I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.