Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Bobby pin
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people