Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.