The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You Might Also Like
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
my first dose meeting my second
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Can Happiness buy money?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.