Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.