WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️