My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people