My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
You Might Also Like
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly