Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Put this video in the Louvre
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I did not eat the cake…
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.