Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me, reading some of your tweets
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no