Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.