Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
meow
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras