My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?