[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.