Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
me when I see my crush
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’