Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.