If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.