Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
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Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Cats are still liquid.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”