Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*