What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Potatoes were such a good idea
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers