I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.