Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore