Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Expect the unexporcupine.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn