PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Breaking news:
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”