Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do