If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized