Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.