The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!