Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Mhm.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.