If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
me
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
#MeanwhileinCanada
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.