[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
You Might Also Like
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Google assistant rules
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space