Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You Might Also Like
My daily affirmation
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.