WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!