I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.