I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction