I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
You Might Also Like
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Wikigenius
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Teach your children to beatbox