*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
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*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?