Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way