When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Denise please return my vape pen
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out