When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.