We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I hope it’s French Onion!
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.