I can’t stop laughing at this
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
#NoRestForTheWicked
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?