Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.