Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.