It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands