Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
not for long
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?