Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda