“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Gods work.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.