fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Finally, an explanation.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road