Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story